There is something almost refreshingly finite about death.

Over the years since the first friend I lost in middle school, I've become rather desensitized to it. Death has been just a thing that happens to everyone eventually, and knowing that someone I know has passed hasn't really hurt me in a while.

Not tonight.

I'm used to death being… sudden. Wake up one morning and get a phone call, turn on my computer to find an email. I'm used to either being disconnected from it until it happens, or witnessing it before it can register. When Jarred died, years ago, I didn't even realize I saw a car until he was already on the ground. Since then, death has been a simple thing to deal with.

Not tonight.

The knowledge that someone is going to die before it actually happens is… heavy. I've never known beforehand, especially not for days. Knowing that a few thousand miles away, someone I care about is lying in a hospital bed and fading out. Knowing that there's nothing I can do to go see her. Knowing that I'll never see that new tattoo she got, never hold her hand again, never play with her hair while we watch cheesy movies and drink cocoa. It's too much. Were it sudden, I could have dealt with it easier than this. Sitting here for days just waiting for it to become a reality has been incomprehensibly painful.

Amy collapsed Friday morning, and never woke up. I knew when her brother emailed me that there was nothing to be done - she had nothing left to give. She died about an hour and a half ago, in a hospital in Montreal, Quebec. The Sickle Cell Anemia she's lived with her whole life finally claimed her.

Amy was a huge part of my world. A close friend, a shoulder, a hugger. We cooked together, we danced together, fuck, we even kissed once or twice. Amy was the deciding factor in my coming to terms with who I was. Our friendship defined a massive part of my personality; she introduced me to a whole new sphere of influences and ideas, and it was largely due to her boldness with herself that I finally ventured out into the world and decided who I was.

Amybaby, I'll miss you.

Already the world seems a bit less colourful.